Why we're nice to others and nasty to ourselves

Why we're nice to others and nasty to ourselves
Why we're nice to others and nasty to ourselves

There is a paradox in our psychology that especially affects our way of relating to others. It is about knowing why we are more pleasant in our dealings with unknown people or those we know and treat little than with the people we trust the most and even our family.

It is easier for us to say no or deny something to someone close to us than to some perfect stranger. This is the paradox to which we are going to try to respond and find out what mechanisms are involved in all this at a psychological level.


It's funny to realize how we are so patient and nice with people we don't know while with those we know we bring out the worst in us.

It is important to know the mechanisms and the reasons for these behaviors so that we realize it before ending our most intimate relationships, both friends and family members.

First we put knowledge. It is clear that the more we get to know a person, the more details of their personality and habits we know and this is something that leads us to discover more and more everything that bothers us about the person. We have to realize that many times what we see in others is a reflection that we project of what we have inside us and not what we really carry inside.

As a second explanation and what comestogether with the above we have the increase of intolerance towards the negative behaviors of the acquaintance. It is not that at the beginning of the relationship these negative parts of the other person are not seen, it is that with the passage of time they are less and less tolerated. Anger and impatience appear with greater ease giving an explanation to this problem.

Thirdly, we state that the capacity for self-control decreases over time in people as we gain confidence in our relationships in such a way that at first our self-control is greater and we are able to show more patience and less irritability in the face of what bothers us. Let's say that with strangers we think each one of our words well while the more we get to know someone we are freer when it comes to expressing ourselves, this has, on the other hand, its positive side and its negative side.

These are the explanations from the psychological point of view that we can give to this paradox, now we are going to look for the solutions.

One way is to be able to imagine in a pause each day what our lives would be like without each of these closest people by our side. Being able to abstract ourselves from the reality we currently live in and make a revaluation of our relationship with the people closest to us and whom we do not treat well.

If we are very kind and respectful with the people at our work, it would not hurt to be able to relate to our closest beings and those with whom wewe have a more difficult relationship in some context in which those people from work are also in such a way that we can transfer in that scenario our best behavior again to those closest to us.

Putting time and distance between us and those people with whom we have the problem will help us revalue and have the opportunity to re-establish a better relationship.

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