2023 Author: Jake Johnson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-24 23:11
A codependent person is someone who exhibits excessive and inappropriate concern for problems of other/s.
Thus, their existence is tied to the vicissitudes of that other, devoting themselves to solvingor lessen their problems, leaving on side their self-interestsand needs.
This type of behavior characterizes the relationships popularly called “toxic”. This would imply a type of bond in which one or both people suffer, but still not separate, neither modifythat structure.
The codependency present in a relationship generates a bond of Need, which, as we know from Psychology, is very other than the definition of Wish or Love. In the love is present the idea of Choice, and when there is need there is no choice possible.
Codependent links prevent the individual development of the people who are part of it. The projects and individual initiatives are blocked and restricted, merging with those of the other.
This generates at the same time that joint projects are not generated either, because the exchangebonding is exhausted and stifles preventing creative development.
It is extremely important to raise awareness of these characteristics because they are commonly considered to be expected parts of a love relationship.
For a long time normalized the idea that in marriage or in steady couples everything had to happen “together”, everything starts to happen to both of them and they lose the individuality, even the identity.
To this day, many people consider it strange that one of the members of a stable couple goes on a trip alone, for example, or makes activities and plans on her own. Even more so if she is a woman, with children.
These are prejudice and inheritance that are perpetuated from previous times, and that greatly hinder the construction of he althy couples.
Respect for one's own spaces, of times to enjoy, to share with friends, without the necessary presence of the other, guarantee enrichment and growthof each member of the couple and with this, of the couple itself.
The codependency reproduces in a cyclical way behaviors of the type altruistic that aim to«save»the other, rather than share life with him.
In this way you can generate what is called a symbiotic couple, where both take responsibility for the thoughts, emotions and behaviors of theanother, they «take charge» of issues that correspond to the other, reacting because of this defensively.
The responsibility that everyone has is with the type of link thatwants to have.
Assuming and aware of this allows , in the best of cases, to stop these cycles and approach the links in another way, accepting what own and not trying to solve the other's problems. Generating spaces in which everyone can express themselves freely.
The he althy ties between adults, not only those between couples but also those of friendship or family, are based on the responsibility that everyone can have and assume about their own life.
Being able to recognize their conflicts and the reasons they get angry or distressed regardless of what the other does.
When this does not happen, the link suffers an imbalance, frequently manifested by expressions such as “it's your fault…” “you make me angry”.
Although it is understandable that the other's attitudes irritate or distress us, the therapeutic work is to be able to visualize why that behavior of the other irritates or distresses us and link it with our own aspects, which is what can finally allow us to run away from that place.
The goal would be to be able to move from to a place that says: “the other hurts me, all I can do is help him or expect him to change” to another that says “if the other hurts me, why do I keep staying?, what part of me participates in what happens to me?”
Assume responsibility is one of the most important messages of Psychoanalysis, and far from instilling guilt, it is the key to being able to promote change.